


Sick of Losing Soulmates

by Hope15



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series)
Genre: Boys In Love, Eli Moskowitz Redemption, Eli Moskowitz needs a group hug ASAP, Eli is autistic, Friends to Lovers to Enemies to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Lovers to enemies to lovers, M/M, Miguel Diaz is a good friend, everyone would die for Demetri, nerdy karate gays being nerdy karate gays, we love Sam LaRusso in this house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:08:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28807842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hope15/pseuds/Hope15
Summary: He was going to fix it. All of it. Everything good that he had shattered in the past year. His friendship with Miguel. His relationship with Sensei Lawerence. His grades. His moral code. And most importantly his relationship with Demetri. He didn’t care if it took the next 30 years of his life. Eli Moskowitz was going to fix everything that Hawk had broke.orEli Moskowitz relearns how to be a good person and rights the wrongs that he did to the people he loves.
Relationships: Demetri/Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz
Comments: 25
Kudos: 117





	1. Find My Way Back

No one else touches him. It was a sadistic, vile rule that Eli had placed as soon as he had transformed into Hawk. “No one touches Demetri. Except for him.” Maybe that was what struck him. What brought the light back into his eyes and melted the icy cage that had formed around his heart. Seeing his former best friend, his favorite person in the world, with his hands bound behind his back while his fellow Cobras took unwarranted kicks and punches to his face. The pain and betrayal in Demetri’s eyes when they locked with Eli’s, crumbled down everything in Eli’s world that wasn’t Demetri. All of the bullshit that Kreese had put in his head, the popularity, the anger, everything faded. All that remained was Demetri, Demetri, Demetri. 

Eli truly believed that if he hit him hard enough, froze out all their old memories, it wouldn’t be true. He wasn’t gay, he wasn’t in love with his best friend, he wasn’t just some faggot freak with a scar on his lip. It wasn’t until then, looking at the fear in Demetri’s eyes that he couldn’t run from himself anymore. 

That’s why he’s still here. Why he’s running back and forth from Sam’s freezer to collect more ice for Mitch and Chris. Instead of with the rest of the Cobra Kai students, no doubt celebrating what they deemed a victory. No one had said anything about him sticking around, at least not yet, everyone was too busy tending to their physical and mental scars that had been placed on them to even care. Well, except for Demetri, who was currently down on his knees in the middle of the LaRusso’s kitchen picking up large shards of glass with his hands. They hadn’t spoken. Not beyond Eli’s half-assed apology and Demetri defending him to Tory. 

Of course, there wasn’t much talking going on at all. Just a bunch of broken and beaten teenagers silently helping one another heal their wounds. Sam was cleaning up Miguel’s face, who seemed to have gotten the worst of the fight, while the others gathered in the living room, with gauze, bandaids, and rubbing alcohol littered around them. 

Eli took a moment to observe them. How they cared for one another in such a selfless way. He never witnessed anything like this at Cobra Kai, at least not after Kreese took over. There it was all strike first, no mercy, and pain is weakness. Here there was no trace of judgment for the bloodshed or the pain inflicted, it was just friendship and teamwork in the purest form. 

While Eli looked over the boys in the living room someone snatched the ice pack out of his hands, causing him to snap out of his epiphany. “I’ll take it to him,” Demetri spoke with no emotion in his voice while he walked past Eli and handed the ice pack to Mitch.

Eli stood helpless in the kitchen until Demetri walked back in. “Can I get you something?” Eli said softly, stepping in front of Demetri and scanning his face for any scars or bruises that he might have missed. “Are you hurt anywhere else?” He moved his hands to examine Demetri’s arm who flinched and stepped back. Eli’s heart sank and he quickly dropped his hands to his side. “I’m sorry I-,” Eli was cut off by Demetri shaking his head and walking past him. “It’s fine,” He whispered with his back to Eli. “I’m fine.” 

Eli had so much to say to him. So much to apologize for he didn’t even know where to start. “Dem-” He whispered while walking towards Demetri who was going back to pick up the glass on the floor. “Look I’m fine but my friends aren’t so if you’re just going to stand around and not help then you can leave,” Demetri snapped, finally looking Eli in the eye. 

Eli opened his mouth as if he was about to speak and closed it again. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn't sure there was really anything he could that would make Demetri look at him the way he once did, with trust, adoration, and even love. Now he was met with an icy stare. Eli had inflicted betrayal and heartbreak that words could not mend. He was no longer considered one of Demetri’s friends. An ally perhaps, now that he had swapped teams, but the concept of friendship seemed so unlikely after everything that had happened between them. After everything that Eli had done. “I wanna help.” He offered weakly. 

Demetri rolled his eyes and thrust the dustpan into Eli’s chest. “Then clean up the mess you made.” 

Eli watched the back of Demetri’s head while he disappeared back into the living room. He knew what he had meant when he told him to clean up the mess. ‘Pick up the broken glass that shattered when you threw a 90-pound kid through a kitchen window just for kicks,’ but Eli thought about the figurative meaning, ‘Fix it. Fix what you broke between us. This is your fault and it’s your job to make it better.’ 

That was exactly what he was going to do. Fix it. All of it. Everything good that he had shattered in the past year. His friendship with Miguel. His relationship with Sensei Lawerence. His grades. His moral code. And most importantly his relationship with Demetri. He didn’t care if it took the next 30 years of his life. Eli Moskowitz was going to fix everything that Hawk had broke. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After another half hour of cleaning up the reminiscent of the LaRusso’s living room, the remaining Miyagi Do and Eagle Fang students began to disperse from the house. Sam and the others agreed that it would be best if they were gone when her parents returned. 

“Come on ‘Met, I’ll take you home.” Chris offered while placing a kind hand on Demetri’s shoulder. 

Eli found himself clenching and unclenching his fist at the nickname. He hated the fact that Chris was now the one that could give Demetri gentle touches and playful nicknames. Something that a year ago Eli could have done with ease but now seems so foreign. 

“No!” Eli said a little too loud while sounding a little too eager. “I mean...I can take him.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” Sam stepped in with a glare, and her arms crossed like a protective mother shielding her child. 

‘Good thing no one asked you, princess.’ Eli thought to himself but didn’t say out loud. Because that’s what Hawk would say. He doesn’t want to be Hawk anymore. He wants to be Eli again. And while he may have problems with these people, none of them matter. Not really. Eli supposes that he has a lot of apologizing to do, not only to Demetri but to basically everyone in Miyagi Do and Eagle Fang and probably even more people after that. I’ll make a list when I get home.

“I drive right by his house on my way home, it’s not a big deal,” Eli defended himself while trying to keep his voice steady. 

“Not a big deal?” Chris interjected and stared at Eli as though he had three heads. “Man, what the fuck are you even still doing here?”

Eli clenched his fist at his side until his nails dug into his hand and his knuckles began to turn white. He had a million and one reasons as to why he was still there but his mind was running blank and he was beginning to think that maybe this was all a mistake. That he was crazy to think that these people would ever forgive him and accept him as one of their own. 

“Come on Chris, give him a break,” Miguel spoke up and if it weren’t for the fact that his face was beaten bloody and he probably had internal bleeding, Eli would have picked him up and spun him around. 

“Why?” Chris asked, “How do we know it’s not all a trick?” 

“It’s not a trick, Douchebag,” Eli spoke through gritted teeth. He guessed that they all had a right to think that after everything he had done and especially after what had just happened. But, still had these assholes never heard of second chances and showing mercy or some Miyagi Do shit.

“Trick or not, he’s not leaving with you,” Sam repeated with a glare at Eli. 

“Okay enough,” Demetri, who had been silently watching the group go back and forth, finally spoke up. “I’m a big boy I can decide for myself who I want to leave with,” 

“Dem, I just want to talk,” Eli said quietly while making eye contact with Demetri. He wished that there weren’t six other pairs of eyes on them while he tried to silently beg with just a look. Learning to be vulnerable again was another thing that he would have to work on. 

He watched Demetri chew on his bottom lip for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Yeah, okay, whatever.” 

Eli couldn’t stop the twitch that pulled the corner of his mouth up after hearing what must have been the three most beautiful words in the English language. He ignored the glares he got from Chris and Sam and instead began trying to think of the things that he wanted to say to Demetri the minute they got in the car. 

“Just text me when you get home okay?” Sam whispered to Demetri and pulled him into a hug. 

Demetri assured her that he would be fine and then said goodbye to Chris, Miguel, and the other remaining Miyagi Do students. Eli stood awkwardly, knowing that it wasn’t really his place to share a friendly goodbye with these people. 

“Let’s go,” Demetri said without making eye contact with Eli and headed towards the door. 

During the walk to the car, Eli battled with whether or not he should open the door for Demetri but decided against it. Something told Eli that the minute that the two of them were alone that everything would magically repair itself and it would be as if the last year didn’t even happen. That he could apologize for everything and kiss him and hold him and they would go to Demetri’s house and watch Doctor Who and everything would be the way that it used to be. The second that the car door shut, Eli knew that whatever it was inside him that thought this, was wrong. 

Demetri had continued to avoid eye contact and slowly put on the seatbelt while keeping his eyes forward. Eli looked over at him and he couldn’t believe that he almost forgot how beautiful the other boy was. His brown eyes fixated on the windshield while the shadow of the moon danced over his pale skin. It took everything in him to not reach over and touch his cheek. 

Eli was pulled from his thoughts when Demetri broke the silence. “Are we going to go or not?”

Eli felt his cheeks warm while he fumbled for the keys in his pocket. “Yeah,” He stuttered. “Yeah, sorry.” 

The drive was silent and there was an awkward tension in the air between the two boys. Eli had so many things to say. So many things that he wanted Demetri to say, but he couldn’t force his mouth open. ‘I’m so sorry,’ ‘I’ll never do anything to hurt you ever again,’ ‘I miss you,’ ‘I love you,’ Were just a few of the things on the tip of Eli’s tongue that his mind could not force his mouth to say. 

“I’m sorry about your legos,” Was what finally slipped out. 

“What?” Demetri asked, looking over Eli for the first time since they had entered the car. 

“I-I said that I’m sorry,” Eli blushed at his own words. “I’m sorry that I broke your legos. I was just jealous.” Eli dared himself to look over at Demetri’s face. “I saw you talking to Yasmine and she...she just kept smiling at you and it drove me crazy so I-” 

“Ruined my science project and humiliated me in front of the entire cafeteria,” Demetri interjected with a monotone voice. While keeping a stone face he glared over at Eli who was clutching tightly on the steering wheel. “Were you also jealous when you poured a drink on my head at Moon’s party, or when you and four other goons chased me down at the mall, or when you, oh yeah, broke my fucking arm?!” Demetri listed off, while gradually raising his voice more and more.

Eli chewed on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood on his tongue. “I’m sorry,” Was all he could force out. His eyes burned and he really wanted to cry. He wanted to bury his face in Demetri’s shoulder and sob while Demetri rubbed his back and played with his hair and whispered sweet things in his ear until he felt better. Like they used to do. Obviously now, that was not an option. The guilt was eating him alive and he didn’t know how to apologize for it, he didn’t know if there were even any amount of words that could fix what he had done. He had hurt the one person in the world that had never hurt him and he didn’t think he deserved to be forgiven. 

“You’re sorry huh?” Demetri scoffed. “Well that’s nice Eli, it’s good to know that you’re not a sociopath after all.” 

“I’ll never do anything to hurt you ever again,” Eli whispered. “I’ll never let anyone else hurt you.” 

Demetri didn’t say anything as they drove into his driveway. The car stopped but neither made a move to get out of the car. Eli looked over at Demetri, who was straining his neck to look out the passenger window. “Dem,” Eli whispered and could hear the shiver that ran through Demetri’s body at the nickname. “Dem, please look at me.” He pleaded.

Demetri sighed but moved his head to meet Eli’s sorrowful eyes. “I will never let anything happen to you again.” He repeated. He slowly moved his hand to touch Demetri’s arm. The one he broke. Demetri flinched slightly but didn’t move when Eli made contact with him. Eli ran his fingers up and down Demetri’s plaid covered arm. He reveled in this moment. Touching him again. Being close to him and listening to his breathing. Eli wanted to touch every part of Demetri again. Kiss every bruise and repair every single wound. 

Demetri found himself closing his eyes for a moment. Allowing him to let his guard down long enough so that he could experience the gentleness from Eli that he had missed so much. That part of him that he thought he would never get to witness again. 

Eli’s fingers traveled down from Demetri’s arm to his hand, where he traced gently over scabs forming on his knuckles and the sensitive bruises. He was subconsciously leaning further and further into the other boy while their unsteady breaths were the only thing heard inside the dark car. 

“God I missed you so much.” Eli broke the silence with a whisper, that if Demetri wasn’t mere inches away from him, he probably would not have heard. 

“I missed you too,” Demetri whispered back falling under the spell of having Eli so close to him again. Of having his gentle hands on him. Of the utter safety that he felt with it just being the two of them alone in a dark car where inside there was no Karate, there was no Cobra Kai, or broken bones and bloody knuckles. Just two boys that love and missed one another to the point of physical pain. 

Without thinking, Eli pushed forward and leaned his forehead against Demetri’s. Breathing him in and soaking up the intoxication of the moment, of just being close to him once again. Demetri instinctively moved his hand to the nape of Eli's neck and let out a shaky breath. His eyes were still closed but only because he was scared if he opened them he would wake up from the best dream he had had in a very long time. 

Eli used the hand that wasn’t intertwined with Demetri’s to reach up and gently stroke his cheek. Demetri covered Eli’s hand with his own as if to hold it there. “Please don’t ever leave me again.” Demetri breathed out, still not opening his eyes. 

“Never,” Eli whispered and wondered if Demetri could hear his heart beating. “I’ll never leave you.” Demetri finally opened up his eyes at this and parted his lips. 

“If you’re lying to me I’m gonna fucking die.” Demetri choked out with tears welling up in his eyes. 

“I’m not lying,” Eli breathed. “Let me prove it Dem,” He begged and bumped his nose against Demetri’s. “I’ll do whatever you want Demetri, just please let me fix this.” 

A silent tear slipped down Demetri’s cheek while he soaked up the words that he had been dreaming of hearing the other boy say for so many months. It didn’t feel real but at the same time, nothing had ever felt so real in his entire life. The familiar touch of Eli holding him, the smell of his body spray, his warm breath on his face. It was too real to be a dream but at the same time felt too good to be true. His lips were only an inch away from Eli’s and the only thing that Demetri could think was ‘Fuck it.’ Throw caution to the wind and if tomorrow he wakes up and Hawk murders him in cold blood and buries his body in the backyard, then it would be worth it just to feel Eli’s lips on his again. Just one more time. 

Demetri leaned forward but immediately pulled back when a bright light filled the dark car. “Demetri?” His mother called from the front door where the porch light was now illuminating both boys in the driveway.

Eli quickly pulled back, releasing Demetri and returning to his side of the car. “Um…” A wide-eyed Demetri fumbled to form words. “Yeah, mom it’s me!” He called back. 

His mother had already walked to the car and knocked on Eli’s window with a bright smile, and the boy quickly rolled down the window to greet her. “Oh Eli sweetheart it’s so good to see you,” She said with such a genuine smile that it made Eli’s heart twist in his chest. “How have you been?” 

Eli nodded slowly and put on an awkward smile. “I-I’ve been good Katie. Thank you.” Since Eli was 10 Demetri’s mother had insisted that she call her by her first name instead of her last. He was at her house more than his own and she always treated him like a second son. He didn’t realize how much he missed her until he saw the motherly smile on her face as she stared down at him from outside the car. Demetri must have not told her about all that he had done to him. She certainly would not be so happy to see him if he knew the torment and heartbreak that he had caused her only son for the past year. 

“You boys come on inside, it’s cold out here,” She insisted. 

A smile formed on Eli’s face. As far as he was concerned Demetri’s bedroom was the safest place on Earth and there was nowhere else that he wanted to be right now. In Demetri’s bed with Demetri underneath him, doing unspeakable things. 

“Eli’s leaving, Mom,” Eli heard from the other side of the car and his head snapped over to Demetri with a now pained look on his face. The words struck him right in the gut. After the moment they shared, Eli thought they could at least talk. That it was a step in the right direction. That God loved him and Demetri would give him another chance. 

Demetri opened the car door and stepped outside. “I’ll text you.” He muttered and shut the door without a second glance at Eli. 

“Well you come back and see me, sweetheart, I miss you.” Katie reached her hand in the car to give Eli’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Drive safe and tell your mom I said hi.” 

Eli gave her a sad smile and a nod. “Yeah of course.” He promised and then watched her follow her son into the house. Neither turned around before the front door shut behind them. Leaving Eli alone in the once again dark car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After leaving Demetri’s, Eli didn’t go home. He drove around the Valley for over an hour rehashing the events of the night. He now had a target on his back and knew that Cobra Kai would soon seek revenge on him for betraying them. He remembered what Demetri had said, that his friends would ‘Watch his back for him.’ Friends. Eli didn’t have any friends. Not anymore. He hadn’t for a long time, not real ones anyway. The moment he lost Miguel he was completely alone. 

He knew that he had no one to blame for it but himself. He was the one that pretended to be something that he wasn’t. He was the one that allowed himself to actually become that person. He was the one that ruined his relationship with Demetri and his friendship with Miguel. It was all him. He just wanted it to stop. The name-calling and the beatings and the fear that he lived with every day. He just wanted to prove that he was more than just a gay kid with a scar on his lip. He didn’t know that in doing that he would lose everything that had ever mattered to him. 

He deserved whatever Cobra Kai was going to do to him. He didn’t want to fight back when they caught him. He was tired of fighting. He was tired of playing the villain in everyone's story. He just wanted it to all go away. That darkness that had consumed the better part of him had burned out and left a hole in his heart. He wasn’t strong enough to be Hawk anymore but wasn’t good enough to be Eli. It was all his fault. 

Eli pulled up to his house but didn’t get out of the car. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep, that his demons would wrestle with him just as bad in his bed as they would out here in his car. 

All your fault. He doesn’t love you anymore and it’s all your fault.

Eli’s bottom lip trembled. Nothing was ever going to be okay again and it was all his fault. His problems were bigger than him and he couldn’t fix them. He didn’t deserve redemption and he didn’t deserve forgiveness. He definitely didn’t deserve Demetri. Smart, beautiful, kind, strong, loyal, Demetri. 

He was better than Eli in every possible way and he always had been. He deserved good friends and a pretty girlfriend and all the happiness in the world. Eli didn’t. Not anymore. A tear trickled down his cheek when he heard his phone buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone to read the text across the screen.

From: Dem  
To: Eli  
Thanks for driving me home.   
I missed you. 

A breathy laugh escaped Eli’s lips as he read the words over and over again.“Clean up the mess you made.” Eli recalled the words Demetri had said to him earlier that night. He would clean up the mess he made. He would fix all of it. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe he did deserve a second chance after all.


	2. All Too Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it  
> I'd like to be my old self again  
> "But I'm still trying to find it  
> After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own  
> Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone  
> But you keep my old scarf from that very first week  
> 'Cause it reminds you of innocence  
> And it smells like me  
> You can't get rid of it  
> 'Cause you remember it all too well"

'I missed you. I missed you. I missed you.'

Eli couldn’t stop staring at the text message with a sleepy smile on his face. He missed me. He doesn’t hate me. I still have a shot. He wanted to text back how much he missed him too. How sorry he was for everything and that he was going to do whatever it took to prove it to him. But, he didn’t want to say all that over text, he wanted it to be done in person. Preferably, while he whispered the words into his skin as he kissed and touched every single inch of Demetri’s body. So, instead, he went with a simple: 

From: Eli  
To: Dem  
Anytime Dem.   
I missed you too. So much. 

Demetri didn’t send anything back after that but, Eli was going to take anything that he could get. Demetri saying that he missed him was all the motivation that Eli needed to be that person again. To be the guy that Demetri missed, not the one that he became. Eli slept better that night than he had in months. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Eli woke up to a text from Miguel telling him that practice was at noon at the Miyagi Do Dojo. 'Right, that place that you trashed and stole from'. Eli had to add that to the extremely long list of things that he needed to apologize for. 

Anxiety began to creep through Eli’s body. If he were Sensei LaRusso, he wouldn’t want him in his Dojo. Not after what he did to it. He would also be walking in there alone. The other Miyagi Do and Eagle Fang students made it pretty clear last night that they didn’t want him around and he didn’t blame them. Why would they want him around? 

But Miguel did text him to let him know and he also stood up for him last night. So did Demetri when Tory called him out. Demetri. Demetri said he missed him. Eli has a chance to come back from this and that’s way more than he deserves so he’s not going to waste his second chance. 

He got out of bed, showered, and for the first time in months didn’t take an extra forty-five minutes to spike up his hair. Don’t get him wrong, he liked the mohawk, it was cool, it made him look tough. But, it was a Hawk thing and Eli had to learn to be Eli again before he could find that happy medium of the boy that he used to be and the asshole that he turned into the day he changed his hair. So, instead, he ran his fingers through the red strands and let them fall around his face, landing just above his ears. He still thought it looked pretty cool. He figured he could allow himself to keep the red, so he at least still kind of looked like a badass. 

Miguel texted him again and said that he and Sensei Lawerence would be there to pick him up. Eli was grateful that he still had Miguel. He was one of the most forgiving and loyal people that Eli had ever met and he knew that he didn’t deserve to call him a friend. Nonetheless, he was happy that he still could. That he wouldn’t be walking into Miyagi Do alone after all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The feeling of standing next to Demetri surrounded by his fellow Miyagi Do teammates while listening to his two Sensies talk about how brave and strong they all are, is definitely the best that Eli has felt in months. He felt free. He felt safe. He felt like himself again. He felt Demetri’s hand brush over his a couple of times while they stood side by side. This may or may not have been an accident but Eli pretended that it wasn’t. 

After practice, Eli nervously played with the straps of his gym bag while trying to work up the courage to talk to Demetri again. He wanted to get him alone. He just didn’t know if Demetri would go for that, especially after he blew him off last night. 

Eli stood to the side of the room while everyone else gathered around talking about the All Valley Tournament and the fight that took place at the Larusso’s and school and Eli felt painfully out of place. Was it possible for someone to forget how to have friends? How to talk to people without trying to scare or intimidate them? Eli was never really good at talking anyway. He liked having Demetri do his talking for him. He always knew what Eli wanted to say anyway without ever actually making him say it. Hawk was bad at talking too. He was too busy keeping his guard up and trying to act like an alpha badass to ever have a real conversation. 

“Nice hair.” Demetri’s voice broke Eli from his thoughts. 

“Thanks,” Eli said shyly and instinctively ran a hand through the red strands. “I’m probably gonna cut it… and ya know dye it back and stuff.” He muttered 

“No, it’s cute,” Demetri whispered. “I like it.”

Eli’s cheeks turned the same color as his hair and decided that this was the hairstyle that he was going to have for the rest of his life. 

“Do you um...Do you wanna come over...and hang out or something,” Eli whispered while stepping closer to Demetri. 

Demetri slowly took a step back and looked behind him. “Actually I rode here with Chris so I’m probably gonna go back with him.” He spoke slowly while avoiding eye contact with Eli. 

“Dem I’m not going to hurt you,” Eli whispered “I swear I just want to talk okay? I just want to talk to you, we can do it wherever you want.” 

Demetri chewed on his bottom lip, something that Eli knew he did when he was thinking hard about something. “I just...Okay,” He whispered, finally making eye contact with Eli.

“Okay?” Eli asked almost in shock.

“Yeah okay. We can talk.” Demetri crossed his arms and nodded.

Eli couldn’t hide the smile that broke out on his face and his chest warmed at the small smile that Demetri returned to him. It didn’t last long before Demetri licked his lips and pretended that it didn’t happen. But Eli saw it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sensei Lawerance dropped the boys off at Eli’s house and he could tell that Demetri still wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea of being alone with him. He chewed on his bottom lip the entire car ride and bounced his leg up and down nervously. Sam also told him to text her every hour. Which was a little excessive if you asked Eli but, he just rolled his eyes and didn’t say anything about it. Secretly he was glad that she looked out for Dem. He deserved a good friend like her. 

“So like….your mom’s here too and stuff right?” Demetri asked, trying and failing to sound casual about it as the boys walked into the house. 

“Yeah,” Eli nodded “Yeah she’s here and so is-” 

“METRI!” Bella called out happily and ran into Demetri hugging his legs. 

Demetri laughed and picked the little girl up and hugged her tightly, letting his eyes close while he squeezed her. He hadn’t seen the girl in nearly a year and he loved her like she was his little sister too. “Hey kid,” Demetri whispered into her hair. “Look at how big you are,” He smiled brightly at her while he pulled back slightly to look at her face. 

“I’m six now,” Bella said proudly while holding up both hands to show her age on her fingers. 

Eli laughed softly at his little sister and swallowed the pain in his throat that wanted him to cry at the sight before him. Bella loved Demetri almost as much as Eli did and she asked about him every single day. He didn’t know how to tell a five-year-old that her brother was a jackass now and she was just going to have to get used to it. So instead he told her that sometimes people change and that means that they get different friends. She cried after he said this and said she wanted her old brother back. Eli didn’t blame her.

“Six?” Demetri asked playfully. “Who told you that you were allowed to grow up on me huh?” He teased. 

Bella giggled and touched the top of Demetri’s head “You got taller Metri, you’re growing up too.” 

Demetri laughed at this and placed her back on the ground. “Yeah that happens kid,” He ruffled her hair and smiled fondly at the child. 

“Well come on let’s go play,” Bella said happily and grabbed Demetri’s hand while beginning to pull him away. 

“Hang on Bella,” Eli stopped her by grabbing Demetri’s other hand. He didn’t let go when he bent down to be eye level with his baby sister. “Since Demetri hasn’t been over in so long, I think just him and I are gonna play together for a little while, is that okay?” He asked her.

“But I wanna play too,” She begged softly, giving puppy dog eyes to the two boys. 

“What if I promise that I’ll come over and play with you tomorrow? How’s that sound?” Demetri assured the little girl. 

“Pinky promise?” She asked while holding up her pinky. 

“Pinky promise.” Demetri smiled and linked his pinky with hers. 

Bella smiled brightly and then ran off down the hall leaving the two boys standing by the door with their hands still locked together. 

Demetri looked down at Eli’s hand firmly wrapped around his own and slowly scanned his eyes over the other boy's face. “You wanna go to your room?” He asked quietly. “To..play?” Demetri wasn’t sure where this confidence was coming from but something about being back in Eli’s house, a place that used to make him feel so safe, made him want to pretend that the last year didn’t happen. He didn’t want to hold a grudge against Eli. He just wanted to hold Eli against him. 

Eli’s throat went dry and he opened and closed his mouth. “Yeah,” He whispered and then quickly pulled the brunette up the stairs to his bedroom. 

Demetri laughed quietly at the other boy's enthusiasm. A rush of adrenaline filled his body. He honestly didn’t think that he would ever find himself in this position ever again. Being pulled up the stairs by an eager Eli while he led him to his bedroom. It felt surreal. Maybe it was a dream. A really fucking amazing dream that Demetri didn’t want to wake up from. 

Eli opened his bedroom door and closed it behind Demetri the minute he stepped inside. Eli wanted to press the taller boy against the door and kiss him until he forgot the past year of their lives but he didn’t want to do anything to scare him. Not when he had got him this far. 

Demetri looked around the room, his eyes slowly scanning over the place where so many memories had been made. He knew this place and he knew the boy that grew up in here. All too well. The room felt different and the same at the same time. Same Star Wars sheets messily balled up at the end of Eli’s bed, different posters covering the chipped white walls. Harry Potter and Doctor Who were replaced with musical bands and artists that Demetri didn't recognize. It was messier than he remembered. Clothes scattered across the hardwood floor and half-empty Gatorade bottles littering the tops of his dresser and nightstand. Demetri didn’t try too hard to look for old items that he had given Eli in the past, he was too scared that he wouldn't find them. 

“So this is the part where we say we’re gonna play video games but instead just end up making out on your bed?” Demetri joked quietly and shifted his feet. 

Eli’s face turned red and he wanted to punch himself in the face for fucking up the fact that a year ago that was exactly how good he had it before he fucked everything up. “Um...I-I...you wanna talk right?” He stuttered and watched as Demetri’s face transformed into slight confusion. “I mean I...I wanna talk,” He corrected himself “I wanna talk to you.” 

“Okay,” Demetri said slowly and sat on the edge of Eli’s bed crossing his arms. “Then talk.” 

Eli played with his hands nervously and cleared his throat. “Right,” He started. “Well, there’s like a million things I wanna say to you and about a billion things that I need to apologize for,” Eli began to pace back and forth in front of Demetri, avoiding eye contact and fidgeting with his fingers. 

“I wanna start by saying that I love you and I miss you. That I’ve loved you since I was 12 and I loved you when I was an asshole and I’ll keep loving you till the day I die. And I know that I hurt you, I hurt you in so many ways and I don’t deserve to be forgiven but-”

“Eli.” Demetri attempted to cut the other boy off. 

“But I want to be good, okay? I want to do good and I’m so fucking sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a monster look back at me. I feel like I trapped inside myself and I just want to get out and-”

“ELI!” Demetri yelled, forcing the red-haired boy to stop pacing and face him. 'Fuck when did I start crying?' Eli thought wide-eyed while Demetri stood up from the bed.

“That’s a lot okay?” Demetri breathed out “You’re throwing a lot at me and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. 

“Well if you would sit down and shut up I would get to the part where I start apologizing.” Eli snapped back. 

Demetri glared at him “Don’t tell me what to do!” He shouted, “I don’t have to listen to any of this shit and if I don’t feel like hearing the entire three-hour-long story about how you turned into the Joker overnight then I’m not going to. It fucking hurts to hear!”

“It hurts to say, asshole!” 

“Then why did you do it!? If you’re so sorry now and you love me so much then why the fuck did you treat me like that in the first place? Why did you let it go that far?” 

“I don't know!” Eli yelled back. He really didn’t know. He wasn’t sure at what moment he stopped being Eli and started being Hawk and he wasn’t sure when Eli disappeared and Hawk took over completely and he didn’t know why he let his life fall apart all around him. “I’m sorry okay! I’m sorry I chased you in the mall, and I’m sorry I destroyed your science project, and I’m sorry that I broke your arm!” 

“Fuck my arm Eli you broke my heart!” Now Demetri was crying too. Part of him wished that he never agreed to come here but another part of him was relieved that he was finally able to say those words out loud. Everyone saw his cast and his bruises but no one saw the pain on the inside. No one really knew what Eli had meant to him no one except Eli. His heart was broken and the only person who knew that was the person that broke it.  
Eli opened his mouth to reply but he couldn’t find any words. Silent tears slipped down his cheeks. He could have stood there for another lifetime and would have never found the words to say. A reason as to why he hurt the one person that had ever really known him, ever really loved him for who he was. 

“How could you do that to me?” Demetri choked out, “How do you just break someone’s arm after you’ve had their dick in your mouth? How do you lay me on your bed and tell me that I’m the most beautiful person that you’ve ever seen and kiss..every..part..of..my body,” Demetri’s bottom lip trembled and he forced himself to look into Eli’s eyes. “And then lay me on an arcade floor and snap my arm in half while a dozen assholes cheer you on?” 

Eli let out a sob “I don’t know,” He mumbled in between cries. 

“HOW?” Demetri screamed while shoving Eli as hard as he could in the chest making the shorter boy nearly lose his balance. 

“I don't know!” Eli yelled back while shaking his head. “I’m sorry!” 

Demetri just shoved him again but this time Eli didn’t budge so instead Demetri settled on punching his fist into the other boy's chest. “How could you do that?” 

Eli let Demetri hit him over and over again. His chest felt like it was on fire but he wasn’t going to push the other off of him. 

“You hurt me so badly,” Demetri sobbed while his punches grew less and less aggressive and slowly transformed into weak slaps. He was exhausted, emotionally and physically. 

“Dem,” Eli whispered and slowly reached up to grab the tired boy's hands. 

“How could you do this to us,” Demetri cried quietly. 

“Dem,” Eli finally pulled the brunette into his abused chest allowing him to collapse in his arms. He sobbed into Eli’s neck continuing to mutter incoherently while he wrapped his arms firmly around the short boy. “Shhh,” Eli soothed and brushed sweaty hair off of Demetri’s forehead. “It’s okay Dem,” He whispered. He wasn’t sure if it was okay or if it ever would be again but it just seemed like the right thing to say. That’s what you say to people when you want everything to be okay but aren’t sure if it actually is. Eli doesn’t know, he’s not the one that’s good with words. Demetri is. 

“You hurt me,” Demetri whispered quietly. It was so quiet that if Demetri’s mouth wasn't inches away from Eli’s ear he probably would have not heard him. 

“I never ever ever ever will again,” Eli whispered to him while rubbing soft circles into Demetri’s back. That was what Demetri used to do to him when he was having a breakdown and it always made him feel better. “I swear.” 

“I want to forgive you but I’m so scared,” Demetri whispered weakly, as though he had given up. Both boys had no fight left in them. They were both tired and scared and hurt and wanted all of this to go away but neither knew how to make it better. 

“I’ll do anything,” Eli replied. “I’ll dye my hair back and I’ll get the tattoos removed,” He offered as if a bottle of brown hair dye and a laser could fix the broken boy in his arms. 

Demetri slowly shook his head from the crook of Eli’s neck. “Just hold me,” He whispered. “Just don’t stop holding me.” 

Eli let out a shaky breath. “I can do that,” He whispered, tightening his grip on the other boy. “I can definitely do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been so long, school has been crazy. There have been so many amazing stories written about these boys recently and it made me so inspired.   
> Leave me a comment they make my day :)

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me a comment! They make my day :) 
> 
> I will likely get around to adding more to this story but I just don’t have it in me right now. I’m really busy with school and have kind of uninspired lately. I’m sorry :(


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